Monday, December 21, 2009

Fun Times with the Potty...

Changing diapers is oh so much fun. I didn't think it could get any better than this. I was wrong. Afton has finally started telling us when she, um, goes potty. Usually after the fact. So we go upstairs and lay down, cause she doesn't quite fit on the changing table anymore, and commence the struggle. As soon as the diaper is off(she helps) the following conversation ensues...

"Potty", Afton exclaims, very clearly I might add.
"You did go potty. Mommy is changing your diaper."
"Nooooo, go potty", as she worms her way out of her PJ's while running to the loo.
So Bender and I chase her to the bathroom. Afton has the neat freak gene that somehow skipped a generation. She takes one piece of toilet paper and wipes herself, throws it in the BIG potty, shuts the lid and flushes. This is repeated enough times for me to polish my finger nails, toe nails, Bender's nails and do 2 loads of laundry. Finally after NOT using the potty she goes and grabs an "Elmo", which is code for diaper and lays down on a mound of neatly stacked(by her) receiving blankets that are currently replacing the changing table and waits. The diaper does not quite go on yet though. We must puts two handfuls, and I mean HANDFULS, of Aquaphor on her bottom before a diaper even touches her behind. Once that is done, finally, the diaper goes on!!! Yeah! If you are not quick enough though, she likes to undo the recently attached diaper and run into the closet, giggling hysterically. I'm giving serious consideration to duck taping the diaper on, except she's pretty good with tape.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Top 10 Things I hope they have in Heaven...

In no particular order.

10. Flannel Pajamas for those cool nights.
9. First snowfalls...I love the first snowfall when the air smells crisp, everything is bright(even at night) and every sound is muted with the blanket of snow!
8. All of the pets I've lost(Muffy, Manx, and Nellie)and hope to see again. What's heaven without your pets?
7. Books, lots and lots of books!!
6. Music especially the kind you can get down to.
5. All the foods I love including, but not limited to, meatloaf, GARLIC mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, Mom's mac n cheese, steak, salads, sushi, crab, and of course every calorie loaded, oozing, gushy, warm chocolately dessert that I've ever had.
4. Every movie ever made.
3. Aveda shampoo. Love the smell.
2. Diet Coke.
1. All of my beloved family members, in their own time!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Conversation with a Teenage Boy...

I love my 16 year old stepson dearly. I met him when he was only 9 years old and he's lived with me and his Dad for the last 6 years. We used to read books at night before bedtime, my favorite being the Judy Bloom Series about Peter Hatcher and his little brother, Fudge. J has outgrown reading together, as well as hanging out with his "old" parents. As I said, I love him dearly, but he gives me SO much material to work with here...

A typical conversation with J starts out...
"J, can you please come down here?", wait 5 minutes, impatiently
"J, can you please come down here?" as I stomp up the stairs to the batcave, which smells like a used gym sock
"J, I've been calling you for the past 5 minutes. Come down for dinner, please."
"Huh?" J-
"Dinner is ready." I try using rudimentary, caveman sign language
"What did you make?"
"Monday surprise."
"Huh?"
"Just come down and eat."
Meanwhile the baby is turning the TV in J's room on and off and asking "Was dis?"
I know he's finally heard what I said when I hear him coming down the stairs, which sounds like a herd of wildebeast running from a lion
"God, not meat again. I hate meat." Doesn't matter what I make, he hates steak, pork, chicken etc. He nevertheless starts scooping.
"It's too dry. I hate dry meat."
Hmm. "I guess you can make dinner tomorrow night." I'm smugly thinking this will stop him in his tracks, since he only knows how to nuke a Hot Pocket.
"Fine, I will."
"What are you going to make?" Grin more.
"I don't know. Not meat."
J shoves the rest of the dry meat in his mouth as he walks to the sink.
"J, can you please empty the dishwasher so I can refill since I slaved over this meal?"
I'm not sure what he says, but I'm pretty sure it isn't "Yes, and thank you so much for the lovely dinner." Nevertheless, he empties the dishwasher with the baby's "help" and stomps back up to the cave.
Later than evening...
"J, it's time to get off the computer, turn the TV off and go to bed."
"Why, it's only 10:30. Why do I have to get off. I'm not even tired. Rrrrr, Grrrrl."
"Because, as a teenage boy you need at least 8 hours sleep, if not more and I said so."
"But why?"
"Mostly, because I said so."
"But that's not an answer."
"It's the only answer you are going to get tonight. Go to bed. I love you."
"Grrr, bargqeg..."Roughly translated, I love you too, hugs and kisses!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Gifted Housekeeper...(I heard that Mom!)

When I met my husband he and his oldest(our 15 11/12th's son J) lived in an apartment. The first time I went to his place it was semi-clean(I think my mother-in-law had just been there). I thought, hey this guy is amazingly cute, very intelligent AND he keeps a clean house; what a catch!!! As our relationship progressed and L(my mother-in-law)had not come out to visit for awhile, I noticed a little buildup of dishes and a slight odor eminating from the apartment. I thought, hey, he's very busy with his career and raising a son, I'll help him out. So I did. As time went on and we fell in love, the apartment got messier. Okay, he's a guy so maybe he's not the neatest person, but I love him!

When we decided to move in together he swore he would keep our house neat as a pin. Okay, we are on the second house and married and it's still a mess!!! I can't let him take all of the credit, though. I am somewhat handicapped in that area as well. I have really good intentions most of the time, but somehow, it's never quite enough. To give myself some credit, we do have 4 kids, a dog and 2 full time jobs. Two of the kids live with us full-time, but we have the "stuff" of a family of six, and the dog. My husband travels quite a lot so I get to hold the fort down. It isn't the easiest thing in the world to keep the place spotless.

My OTHER excuse is I love spending time with the kids. I could clean the house after work, but that's A's playtime and I don't want to miss a minute of that. I could clean the house after she goes to bed, but then how would I have time to write this crap? I could clean the house on the weekends when we have two full days off, but then I would miss N's soccer, hanging out with B, J, N, A, my hubby and of course, the dog. So, I clean when I can or the house is just too atrocious, or when we have company coming into town. There's plenty of places to hide stuff, there's the trash can and the rest, well it's neatly placed into piles. Laundry gets done when we are out of underwear or are short on cash and can't buy any new ones. The floor gets sweeped when A starts wiping them down with a butt wipe. The yard gets mowed when by negotiating computer time with J. All of the rooms have doors that can be shut and we bought stock in Febreeze.

Laugh, but please give me at least 3 hours before you come for a visit!!!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

First Time Mommies

They are a pediatricians worst nightmare; they are blamed for their eldest childs issues and they exhibit classic signs of OCD. I always told myself I wouldn't be a typical first time Mommy because I've helped my husband raise his eldest son and his other two children from the time they were four and six. There is a BIG difference between birth and four years old!!!

I held out bringing our newborn into bed with us about the same time all the help left town. When you're up every few hours for milking duty and you have to work the next day you do one of two things a)sit in a chair with that Boppy thing hoping to God you don't fall over on your sweet newborn or b)snuggle her up to you in a cozy bed with one of those thingies that hold infants upright and keeping you from rolling over on her. I caved. A girl's gotta be somewhat coherent at the office!!! Anyway, bad idea #1. She liked the sleeping arrangements for the next year and a half much to the chagrin of the dog(who also likes his sleeping arrangements on our bed).

I never could stomach the sound of an infant crying. My daughter would cry at bedtime, so I'd stay and play or feed her another bottle or whatever it took to get her to not cry. Babies cry, sometimes for no reason, but mostly to manipulate Mommy. I figured that out too late. I'd do the checklist: Is she wet? Is she hungry? Is she hurt? No, Daddy didn't drop her tonight. Hmm. What can I do to stop the crying? Feed her, change her, check for injury and put her little butt in bed. Again, I learned 18 months too late.

I saved the best for last...At A's one year appointment, I asked the pediatrician if I could get a prescription for an Epipen. He asked me what I needed it for. I explained that I was worried A would get stung by a bee or eat something that she was allergic to and swell up like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and I wanted to be prepared. I don't think he'd heard that one before. He kind of laughed (not in a good way) and gave me one of the "are you kidding me" looks. Apparently they don't just give out prescriptions for Epipens until your kid actually gets stung by a bee or swells up like a grape and seems to be allergic. Well, how was I to know if I didn't ask? Careful how you phrase questionable questions to pediatricians.

If I had another one, baby that is, I would probably do everything my husband told me to do with A. I guess a girl's gotta do what she feels is correct at the time and have another one to actually get it right!!! Live and learn.

Dinner for 6...

Okay, have you ever taken your kids out to celebrate a big event, like say, a birthday?
Dinner for two=relaxing and a digestive delight
Dinner for three=mildly relaxing depending on the age of the third
Dinner for four=doable with threats and intimidation
Dinner for five=mildly embarrassing and loud
Dinner for six=should have stayed home as you scarf whatever you can off of your plate!

The hubby and I took our 4 kids out to dinner last weekend to celebrate N's 11th birthday. We went at an off hour in hopes that it wouldn't be too crowded and semi-relaxing. We order with little issue. Then the fun starts. I live with my husband, our 2 year old and 15 year old, we'll call him J. The 2 year old starts to squirm, my husband's daughter B is texting on her phone and N is relatively quiet. J is playing on his Ipod when my husband tells him we are cancelling cell service in a few days. J sputters and stomps and has a meltdown at the table as my husband starts to argue with him. This goes on as 2 year old A spills her drink and tries to jump out of the high chair, B jumps in to the cell disaster conversation and N watches the juice soak into the carpet. As J is about to be grounded for his surly attitude our food arrives. I help A with her bib, which she promptly rips off and starts yelling for "Ju"(juice in English). I try to juggle my food and hers, eating as fast as is humanly possible as she flings mashed potatoes after the spilled juice. I bet next time the servers will put us in a corner with plastic under the table and a glass partition to keep us away from the other folk!!!! Finally, the check arrives. I take A to wash her hands and face and hair, the Hubby pays the bill, B starts texting, N looks lost and J continues the tantrum, muttering a curse upon his parents under his breath. Ah, nothing like a Rockwell family dinner. Next time we'll order a pizza, a babysitter and a cleanup crew!!!